Do you remember in the movie, “Inside Out,” when Bing Bong is upset and crying? His wagon has been pushed into the dump and Riley is forgetting her memories with him. Joy tries her best to make him feel happy, to forget that he is feeling sad. She tries to joke with him and make funny faces. But that doesn’t work. Bing Bong is still sad. Sadness sits with him and allows him to feel those emotions. She asks him about it. She empathizes with him. Sits with him. Listens to him. Soon, Bing Bong is ready to continue on their journey.
This past week has been a whirlwind. We are in the midst of a world pandemic. I don’t know about you, but this is my first pandemic and it is a very scary time. For the past week, I have been trying to live with Joy in the forefront of my mind. Keep smiling. Make people laugh. Don’t show Sadness. Be happy. That can only carry on for so long. I have been told to “Unpack my suitcase.” a lot. It is a lesson I continue to learn and then continue to forget. Everyone has an emotional suitcase that they carry. When you try to put too many things in your suitcase, it explodes. You have to unpack your suitcase. You have to process what you’re feeling. That’s a really hard thing to do, especially for me. You either choose to do it or your feelings will choose for you. I tend to push everything down, stuff the suitcase, until a very trivial thing puts me over the edge and the suitcase explodes.
That very trivial thing happened and the suitcase exploded.
I have been pushing down the uncomfortable emotions of fear, anxiety, panic, and sadness. I shoved them into the suitcase. I have put on the facade of only showing comfortable emotions like happiness and joy. I should know better by now. But, alas, here we are.
So here it is…
I am scared.
For all of the people that are sick.
For all of the people that are going to become sick.
For all of the people that are laid off and no longer getting pay checks.
That I won’t be back to preschool this year.
That the future of so many different things that impact my life are unknown.
Being scared is an emotion that I am uncomfortable with. I don’t like feeling scared. I don’t think most people do. Heart racing, shaky, hot, panicky. Not fun things to endure. But I have to endure them. Because on the other side of sadness and fear, there is joy waiting. It is a gift to be able to find the joy in every day. I also use it as a crutch so I don’t have to think about the things that are scaring me. Like all of the unknowns right now that I have no control over. It’s hard not having control.
Sadness sits with Bing Bong. She sits with him. Listens to him. Allows him to grieve his wagon and his lost memories with Riley. He cries and then wipes his tears away.
“I’m okay now.” Bing Bong says as he stands up to find the train station.
I’m okay now.
In this time of uncertainty, there is one thing that I have become certain of (that I am sure I will have to relearn again in the future):
I have to lean into the discomfort of emotions that are uncomfortable.
I have people in my life that will support me in the emotions that I am feeling. I need to have the courage to talk to them about it.
That’s my goal for this week.
Name my emotions. Both to myself and others. Comfortable and uncomfortable.